D Is for Disappointing

Please note that the following are the views and opinions of one girl.  
Your mileage may vary.

Take your 3D back to the ’80s now, please.

I’m serious.  Over the past year or so, ever since the release of the “acclaimed” Avatar film, 3D seems to be the new big thing in American cinematography.  And by “new big thing” I mean “was big in the ’80s and is seeing a ridiculous resurgence.”  No one seems to talk about the ’80s jump in three-dimensional productions, other than to occasionally say that today’s 3D is so much more than stuff “popping out of the screen at you.”

This less campy sort of three-dimensional effect is being hailed as a new tool for directors to use to enhance a viewer’s experience.  However, I don’t see it that way.  For me, this new 3D fad is just a disappointing annoyance.

Leave your shock and awe at the door, please.

Honestly, though.  3D isn’t worth the extra time and money being put into it, in my opinion.  And it’s starting to seem like more and more films are just throwing the effects on top of an already completed film to “fit in”.  It’s like all of America’s popular summer blockbusters are in high school together and one of them looked super cool smoking, so the rest are going to plod along for the cancerous ride just for the sake of being the same.

“3D has come a long way.”  Uh, no.  Not really.  Back in the 80’s, you’d get an awesome experience by hitting up your local theater and being handed a pair of these:

Not super comfortable, and pretty flimsy.  These were often made of paper and a weird little film in red and blue that you looked through to see stuff popping out of the screen at your face.  Today?  You’re treated to these:

Now made of plastic and with lenses of the same color, viewers are assured that these glasses will fit comfortably over any prescription lenses and provide an amazing experience.

Let me just say, no.

You’re being lied to.

First off, these glasses are NOT comfortable overtop prescription lenses.  I wear glasses.  My fiance wears glasses.  We are both in consensus about the fact that these “Real D” glasses are not at all comfortable over our needed eyesight enhancers.  The bits that fit over your ears smoosh prescription glasses against your skull, which in turn causes odd pressure against your nose.  And then there’s this weird sense of vertigo that I got from looking through two separate pairs of glasses.

To be honest, I don’t know anyone who wears glasses that has told me the “Real D” glasses are comfortable to sit through a feature-length film in.

Secondly, you are not being provided with a viewing experience that much more amazing that you should need to pay $2-5 more per viewing, especially with the insane prices movie theaters are charging these days anyway.  I saw Clash of the Titans in 3D for me (soon to be) brother-in-laws birthday this past April, and it was not worth what we paid.  Now, granted, Clash wasn’t filmed for 3D and was merely a part of the “groupie smokers” pack that slapped the 3D effects on post-production.  Even so, this supposed “enhanced experience” was nothing more than like looking into a window — a window that was the movie screen.  Sure, things seemed to have a little more depth, but the high amounts of blurriness and weird sweeping camera motions only made me feel sick, not “enhanced.”

Now, I can usually just ignore this craze and bide my time until those stupid little plastic glasses fall back into the history books where they belong.  But something has happened that has forced me to face this ridiculous fad head-on.

The last two Harry Potter films are being shown in 3D.

WHY?!

I mean, the first part of the Deathly Hallows films wasn’t even filmed for 3D.  And the trailer we have available is telling me to “complete the journey in 3D.”  Uh, no thanks.  I’ve loved Harry Potter up until now without needing your “enhanced experience” and crappy little glasses.

Now, I’m sure you’re asking yourself why I can’t just see the Deathly Hallows movies in a 2D theater like a normal person.  Well, here’s the deal.  When I drag my butt to a movie theater to wait in line for six or more hours (which I did for the Half-Blood Prince movie), I want to see the movie I’m waiting for on the UltraScreen — basically what the theater company in Fargo calls their really big super-sized screen with the amazing sound system and super-comfy chairs.  But in Fargo, there’s only ONE Ultra-Screen, and it’s the one used to show 3D movies.

My nerd-rage is bubbling. >.<

So please, Hollywood, take your 3D and put it back in the vault with Jaws 3 and whatever else you’ve got gathering dust back there.  I, for one, will thank you.

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